me? an alcoholic? whaaaaaat?

TW: theme of alcoholism and of self destruction.

Hello everyone! This is a personal essay of my venture into sobriety and my journey with AA. 

Backstory time! My first introduction into Alcoholics Anonymous started in childhood when my beautiful grandpa seemingly had 2 Birthdays (2 whole days of cake and cards? I want that!) and went to nightly “meetings” to “get better”. I didn’t question it at first, but as I grew older, I was told of his early life and his fall into addiction. At the time of his death in 2024, he was approaching 50 years of sobriety and had set the perfect example of, not only how to live by the Steps and the program, but also how to live fully as a person. If you want to read more on my grandpa, check out my blogpost “Joseph”! It wasn’t easy to come to terms with the fact I shared the same genetic allergy to drink as my grandpa, but I now feel I have become closer to him even after death. Moving through each Step is like following in his literal footsteps.

I hope you enjoy reading this…

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16th January 2026.

It was a Friday like any other, except today I was to join my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

Two nights before, on my way to dance class, I stopped outside Buchanan Subway Station and called the 24/7 AA helpline for advice. A man answered the phone and through tears, I confessed I didn’t know whether I was a true alcoholic or not, but things had grown unmanageable and I definitely needed help with my drinking. I had made a fool of myself enough times to know I *should* stop drinking, but the fact I had began to drink in the mornings, I was rushing home after work to go to the pub, I was downing 2-3 bottles of wine at night which made my flatmate in Manchester concerned, was proof enough that I *needed* to stop. The voice answered I did not have to identify as an alcoholic to join AA, I just needed to want to stop. He said someone would call me the next day with further advice on local meetings and I could make my mind up then. Sure enough, a kind lady called me on the Thursday and suggested I go to a meeting on the Friday in Glasgow. It was a meeting she had gone to and assured me the group was supportive and that I should at least check it out. I told her I was queer and saw there were LGBTQ meetings in Glasgow and I was planning to go to one the following week, but that I would give the Friday group a try and dip my toe in the water of recovery.

My dad dropped me off outside the hall and said the people outside drinking coffee and smoking would be part of the group and to go in and introduce myself. I was shaking but I proceeded. A man on the door offered his name and his hand and said “follow me”. I nervously entered a room that smelled of fresh coffee and wood. The man introduced me around and gave me a cup of tea. Still shaking, a woman came over and held my tea as we sat down in the front row. She was to be today’s “top-table share”. Her kindness and warmth in my early days of recovery is much appreciated; we met about a month later in a different meeting and, during a breakdown, she handed me a cotton tissue to weep in to and held my hand. I haven’t seen her around in a while but she’s remembered fondly. After her main share, I shared back (I still don’t know how I had the courage to do it!) I couldn’t quite say the word “alcoholic” when introducing myself, so I settled on “addict” (as if that’s any softer). I told the woman how I related to her story and thanked her for her bravery.

After my meeting, my dad picked me up. We were both in tears. We talked over coffee about the structure of the meeting and about how I was feeling. I felt lighter, like the weight of my drinking and hangovers and embarrassments had been lifted. I felt almost absolved. My second meeting came the following Monday. It was an LGBTQ meeting, open for queer alcoholics but allys alike. The crowd was much smaller and much younger than the Friday meeting. I was offered a hot cup of herbal tea and I took my seat in the adjacent room. After an hour-long meeting, I knew I felt at home.

I continued visiting different meetings for a few weeks. I settled on a Monday and Friday as my “home groups” and built many friendships over town, swapping numbers and handshakes with an innumerable number of fellows. In January, I plucked up the courage to ask a lady I identified with and admired to be my sponsor. She agreed, and soon after we began working on the 12 steps. In February, after 4 months of sobriety (2 of which was spent white-knuckling alone), I relapsed in a bar in Glasgow. I felt horrible. I instantly regretted it, it was a pure “eff it” moment. I beat myself up over it for the days leading up to seeing my sponsor. She very sweetly assured me that relapses happen and to not fret over it. By this point, we were on Step 2, so we moved swiftly back to Step 1 and started again. No big deal. The world hadn’t ended, just like it hadn’t ended the other 1,000 times I thought it had on account of my drinking.

We got straight back to the Big Book and moved thoroughly through each of the Steps. It hasn’t been a quick and easy journey, but with the help of my sponsor and new-found friends, the load has certainly been lightened. Step 3 (handing your will over to your Higher Power (HP)) was my favourite part by far. My sponsor and I went to St Aloysius Church and attended a Mass. Afterwards, we went over to the Virgin Mary statue in the far corner and kneeled down to say the Step 3 Prayer. It was a liberating experience. I’m not necessarily religious but for the program to work, you must believe in a power greater than yourself- whether it’s The Almighty God, nature, science, Elvis, or anything else you look up to! I know who my HP is and I believe in it completely.

Steps 4 and 5 were very difficult. I won’t go in to graphic detail, but a traumatic memory from a few years ago was triggered and I came face-to-face with it for the first time since it happened. I decided to take power back and asked for help with it, which my sponsor supported and so I have since made a “fearless moral inventory” of myself and come to terms with it. I am making living amends to those I had harmed in my drinking days, and we asked my HP to remove my defects of character, which I’m still working on through Steps 6 and 7.

Over the past 9 months, and my world has opened up immensely; I’m a member of 2 groups (I have since left the Friday group due to starting college, but I found another group I felt comfortable in), I have maaaany friends in recovery, I’ve soberly socialised, and I can now wake up in the morning without a pit of fear in my stomach or a banging headache! And I’ve been sober as of the 22nd February 2026, and long may it continue!