The Prodigal Son Returns (after a whole year)

Hello! It is January 2024 (happy new year!), which means it has been a whole year since my last blog post! And so much has changed.

This time last year, I was sitting in the same coffee shop I'm currently sat in now, expressing my disinterest in education, realising that my self-worth totally relied on productivity, all whilst feeling slightly lost in the world. 

 

Long story short, not even a month after dismissing the idea of returning to education, I applied to two universities (Glasgow and Salford) for a master’s degree in creative writing, in a vague attempt to gain some normalcy and routine back in my ahh-everything-is-falling-apart-and-moving-so-quickly life. The University of Glasgow rejected me straight away, on my account of not having a bachelor's degree, which was fair enough, but The University of Salford invited me for an interview and asked to see examples of my creative and academic works. I had absolutely no hope that I would be accepted. For one, I hadn't written an academic essay since the pandemic and they were written as part of my musical theatre course (would they accept a song-and-dance man for a Master's?!), which meant the only essay that could be suitable for submission was my high school English dissertation which needed to be heavily edited and polished. Second, even though they were alright with me not having a BA, I would really have to prove my worth and come across as someone who was knowledgeable enough to keep up with the rest of their cohort. The interview was nerve wracking and demolished any hope for acceptance I might have had. I made peace with the idea that university just wasn't for me, and I could always try again next year. About a month later in late March, I had an email from the admissions team with a letter of acceptance. I was in utter disbelief.

 

“And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun”

 

If there was one thing that this past year has implemented within me, it’s that I’m not falling behind, and as contrived as it sounds, I’m only in competition with myself. I have spent a lot of time over the past few years dwelling on the idea that I am behind everybody else. In just about every way possible; in terms of achievements and life milestones and skillsets and experiences. I spent most of my teenage years in and out of underfunded CAMHS therapy to try and solve my anxieties, and fretting over the fact nothing was helping, only to realise recently in my current therapy that there was no way I could have been helped, and that it wasn’t my fault. With underlying bipolar disorder and psychosis, it was futile trying to use surface-level pseudoscientific methods and self-reflection to cure a hidden diagnosis. I only wish I had had more time as a teenager without the belittling and self-esteem-bashing appointments. I also think the ambiguity over my identity, particularly in the way of sexuality and gender, naturally impeded in my evolution as a person, because how can you accept or discern yourself if you have no idea how you connect with, or fit in the world? Also big shout out to the pandemic for making the concept of time feel even more like a looming ominous shadow than normal. And because I felt so far behind my peers, I ended up spending the last couple of years playing catch up, often to the detriment of my health, relationships, and dignity (lol). I’m medicated so I’m generally more stable than all that, but this last year did give me some pretty gnarly mood swings and subsequent consultations and meds re-adjustments, not to mention the disappointing farcical telephone conversations with the crisis team (who, despite the name, are no good in a crisis), but it’s all a work-in-progress yadda yadda yadda, don’t lose hope etc etc.

 

“I check my look in the mirror

Wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face”

 

2023 was really exciting but ultimately very challenging. As I previously noted, I measure my worth mainly through productivity which then feeds into my inherent need of validation from others, which as a creative is a nightmare. I didn’t expect too much from the year, but I was open minded and hoped for the best, and ended up with so many highlights and memorable moments. I landed my first of three (THREE?!) professional gigs in April when I read my poetry at Wigan's Old Courts, which was a pretty anxiety-inducing but such a fun and rewarding night! I messed around with my appearance too many times to count (as usual). I turned 22 on the sunniest day in St. Andrews with my family. I had a 22-Taylor-Swift-themed Birthday party with friends. I saw Kimya Dawson! I was officially accepted into university and finally (after weeks and weeks of stressful phone calls and emails and letters) had my student loans finalised. And then July rolled around, and I had a really nasty knee injury which left me crutch-bound for 5 months! Through consultations, an MRI, and physio appointments, I was advised in October that this would likely happen again unless I had at least 2 operations. As of right now, I'm on the waiting list (lol). But I still had the sickest summer! I visited my beloved Highlands. I saw Boygenius in Halifax. I saw Slowdive in Manchester. I went back to therapy after a short hiatus. Even though physically I was very stagnant, I still kept persevering and working towards recovery. I think being forced into that stagnation made me realise that it is okay to (literally and metaphorically) go slower than those around you, because even leaving the flat some days was a victory! However, despite feeling comfortable in my new-found languid lifestyle, I had my sights set on the foreboding and fast-approaching first semester.

 

My first semester was a bit of a culture shock. I almost had to re-learn how to write essays and approach intellectual discussions. It took a lot of trial-and-error, especially in writing my assessment papers, but I got there and I'm still getting there. I got really lucky with my cohort and was honestly surprised that not everyone was a newly graduated all-knowing BA, and that there were people who had graduated many years prior, or who also came from theatre backgrounds. Also being among so many other gay and gender-queer students is wonderful, like there are so many of us it’s wild! Before Christmas, I had 4 assignments to submit, with the first essay's mark being a bit of a tough pill to swallow (I had been in a rough depression at the time of writing, so it definitely could have been a better paper at any rate!), but the following essay marks being a lot easier to take pride in. Now I'm just waiting for the final mark, and then I can look forward to the second semester!

 

Outside of university, I still kept my foot on the pedal with acting and in December, I got my second paid gig, which was a surreal experience. I had seen an open call on Instagram for an advert and forwarded it to my friend for her to send a submission. I initially wasn't going to apply due to apathy and because I wasn't sure I wasn't right for it, but she convinced me to send the email, and they asked me to go to an audition. About a week later, the casting agent got in touch to let me know they wanted to 'lightly pencil' me in. I expected that would be as far as I would get. Then they were in touch to say they had ' heavily pencilled' me in, and then they decided they wanted me for the advert. The filming day was incredible. Everything was so meticulous and careful. I’ve never had so much fun watching people do their job and take pride in the small details of production. I absorbed everything that was happening around me and I loved every minute. I really cherished that day because I really didn’t expect to be chosen for the commercial and it was a complete surprise that I was. I also began uploading original songs and covers to Soundcloud which I didn’t think I would do, at least not for a long while and not until the songs were perfectly polished, but I like hearing the growth in ‘how the songs are mixed’ (as pro music producer Lucas says), so fck it, why not? I would really like my music to evolve like my spoken word does and to eventually perform my own original songs like I do with my poetry. Maybe a goal for this year?

The year was rounded off with my third gig being a second spoken word set at the Old Courts which was even better than the April set as I was more confident in the space and definitely more comfortable with reading my own material.

 

“What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing?
And what do we think we might see?”

 

I think if you told me a year ago that I would now be part way through a master’s course with three paid jobs under my belt, I really wouldn’t have believed it. If you told me I dislocated my knee again and ended up on crutches for a third of the year, then yes, I would have believed that more. Last year was like a wild runaway rollercoaster, I mean there were so many peaks and troughs! I didn’t start out with any expectations, and I really began 2023 feeling totally lost, but it ended up being such an exciting and emotional year, and I hope 2024 is as equally as good at keeping me on my toes (without the injuries though, please!)

 

I’ll attempt to write more than once a year, but if not, see you in 2025 ;)