Joseph

I think there are times in life when things feel a bit too real. Times where you are fully, inescapably caught up in the moment, and you become swept up in your surroundings. I find this occurs when I’m either really enjoying myself and having the best time (i.e. concerts, holidays, days out with friends, etc.), and I lament the end of the moment in real time, or when things are falling apart, and the present is unavoidable. Sometimes, I am able to dissociate and disconnect my feelings from the goings-on in my life as a way of protection and self-preservation. In the times when things become almost uncanny, however, that is not possible. You have to ride out the discomfort and grief.

    Two days ago, the latter was true, and I found myself caught in a moment of inescapable surrealism. My grandpa, who means the world and more to me, was found dead in his garage. We had only just lost my gran 4 months ago. The grief for her was still being processed, the raw feelings still somewhat of a fresh wound. My gran had been ill for over 2 years, so her death seemed inevitable and, even though we were still distressed and overwrought, we could take solace in the fact she was no longer suffering. Losing grandpa, however, was something that none of us could have expected.

    My grandpa Joe was the kindest man you could have met. He always seemed to have exactly what you needed at any given time, whether it was a random plumbing part or a kind word of encouragement. His stories were interesting but often derailed and would leave you stranded in confusion, but they were still fun to listen to. He was a huge inspiration. Grandpa and my gran were the most perfect grandparents you could have asked for, and I appreciate how lucky we all were to have had them in our lives. Both would come and watch all mine and my brother’s shows and showcases, they’d attend school prize-givings and nativities, and they truly cared for what was happening in our lives. They were completely involved and dedicated to their family. Only a few weeks ago we had grandpa visit Lucas in London to see his third-year show at Italia Conti. The journey there and back was a bit of a frenzied nightmare with cancellations and weather warnings, but it just added to the excitement of our holiday together. He was incredibly proud of Lucas and all that he had achieved. While in London, he also got to meet up with a cousin he hadn’t seen in a few years, and we all went out for a big family dinner. Then last Friday, grandpa joined us down to Salford to see my MA graduation. He had had a Drummond tartan kilt made for me for the occasion, and I wore it with such pride. The photographs we had taken that day with be forever cherished. After the graduation, we visited my cousin and her three wee ones. He got to see all of his loved ones in the last few weeks. He just wasn’t done living. He had plans to travel next year and even considered getting a dog. He had so much life left to live. It’s a tragedy. It was not the death he deserved at all.

    Our hearts are shattered. It still doesn’t feel real. The next few weeks will definitely be challenging, especially with this time of year. I don’t know how to end this blog post; I don’t have a hopeful sign-off or words of inspiration. 

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See you both in the next life x