Life Update (spoiler alert: idk what I'm doing pals)

It’s January 2023 (happy new year!), which means I’m technically halfway through my “gap year”. A very accidental gap year that I accidentally fell into when the drama school I moved country for shut down. “Accidentally”.

 

Taking the advice of therapists, level-headed adults (not that I’m not an adult, but in this scenario, I shall play the role of angsty twenty-something juvenile) and following the footsteps of Joanne Woodward*, I decided university can wait and I should become my top priority- at least for a while. It’s not that I now regret my decision so much that I’m a tad disappointed. See, when I envisioned a year of freedom, I saw myself finally travelling like I’ve always dreamed of, I saw myself becoming more creative and writing every day and picking up new hobbies, I saw myself with an endless number of acting jobs. I saw success. 

 

I’ve recently had the realisation that ‘success’ to me is just productivity. I’ve forced myself out of bed and visited one of the various coffee shops I frequently haunt more times than I can count. I’ve sat with an empty Word page open and downed coffee like there’s no tomorrow. I’ve finally built up the courage and typed for hours about- anything? Poems, prose, personal essays. I have written so many pieces, but I’m never satisfied. In these trying times, backspace and “close Word” are my two greatest solaces, even though I end right back where I started- blank. And though I spent however-long being creative and building a page of writing, it means nothing if (1) I don’t like it and (2) no one sees it because I didn’t like it.

 

-Or does it?

Can creativity and art only have worth if they’re 100% loved by all who view it? 

I know the answer is no, but as a creative it’s hard for things not to seem that way. If I wasn’t so intimidated by a fresh Word document or a new notebook page, who knows what I could’ve created- and committed to- by now. 

 

But did I really care about what I was composing and trying to communicate, or was I just trying to fill what precious time I had previously been wasting? After all, gap years don’t last forever and if I didn’t cast my net quickly then all the fish (opportunities/ideas/etc/etc) were bound to disappear. But it didn’t matter.

 

What I’d failed to prepare on my educational hiatus, however, was realism. And my mental illness. I was setting myself up for failure before I’d even finished last term. (You know what they say, fail to prepare- prepare to fail!) Making myself my own priority in this time meant becoming self-centred and very in-my-own-head, but not in the hedonistic egocentric way (we covered this in my first essay). It meant I’d have to spend a lot of time with myself, studying my behaviours, noting any afflictions, and reporting back to any questioning doctors, nurses, therapists. It’s hard work being under surveillance from yourself. All the observations and appointments led to my being diagnosed as Bipolar. It’s not an easy illness to be greeted with, especially at a young age. It meant even more appointments and blood tests and medication trial-and-errors. It meant more time. Time, that I previously stated, I only had a limited amount of.

 

So now what? I’m halfway through this academic year and I must have a plan for the coming months. Right? With a diagnosis, things can only be on the up-and-up, right?

 

Wrong. Kinda.

In terms of plans, I’ve sent applications to some courses in hopes of satiating my restless mind and hunger for knowledge (and subsequent success), which should prevent myself from flailing to stay afloat this time next year. For now, I can only stick to appointment times and take my medication consistently at 10 o’clock every night and, most importantly, stay hopeful. I have no idea what the next week holds, never mind the months ahead, but I do know that I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself to be an infallible instant triumph, but also simultaneously start pushing myself to be brave and let whatever creative work I produce speak for itself. I suppose it’s as close to a New Year’s resolution as I’ll get and so be it. It’s easy to have high (impossible even!) expectations of yourself, but don’t forget to stay realistic, and don’t beat yourself up if you don’t get there right away. You will eventually.

 

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Thank you for reading and for getting to the end of this.

I wish you a Happy New Year 

 

 

 

*Joanne Woodward graduated with a BA from Sarah Lawrence College at the age of 60! <3