essay: confronting the grey areas in yourself when living in a black-and-white world

Disclaimer: This is a personal piece which details my own thoughts and experiences. In reading this, you may think that I’m just another ‘woke Zoomer’ living in an ‘overly PC world’ trying to follow ‘trends and nonsensical labels to be cool’. I appreciate that that is your opinion and you may feel unwilling to change, I just ask that you please try to be respectful and keep an open mind as you digest this essay. Thank you.

-

As I was nearing the end of my final edit, I read via Instagram that Ciara Doran from Pale Waves (one of my favourite bands) announced that they identify as non-binary. Their post really resonated with me and helped provide me with the courage I needed to publish this. Maybe this essay will have the same impact on someone reading this, and remind them that whoever you are, and whatever you’re feeling, is valid and important.

 

 -

 

I’ve never felt completely content within myself. I could never work out what it was, but throughout my life, I felt polar opposite to those who I expected to feel the most connection with. There was always some barrier in between me and everybody else, like the invisible gap that presents itself around two repelling magnets. 

 

When I was 15 years old, I plucked up the courage to tell my mum that I thought I felt an attraction to both men and women. This, much like an unreliable tweet, was later fact-checked and disputed. I had unknowingly been suffering from a bout of comp-het and was, in fact, a lesbian. For anyone who doesn’t know, “comp-het” means compulsory heterosexuality which is the toxic societal ideal that everybody must be absolutely straight, which creates the poisonous mindset that if you don’t feel 100% attraction to those of the opposite sex, then there’s something wrong with you and you should feel ashamed. My antagonistic experience with comp-het had lasted half my life by the time I eventually came out at 18 years old, and by that point, I had grown sick of trying to convince myself I had feelings that honestly never existed. I gave up the fight and finally just confronted myself. I was a lesbian. I always had been, and nothing was going to change that, even though I had been hiding and denying my identity for almost a decade.  

 

Although coming out lifted a massive weight, I still appreciated the presence of a void in my identity. The lingering question mark surrounding my sexuality had been dissolved which gave me tremendous peace of mind, but I still felt that I wasn’t fully comfortable in myself. I had expected coming to terms with my lesbianism to satiate my hunger for self-discovery and to silence my unsettlement. It, however, did not and here I am again two years later still struggling.

 

It’s a cold January night and I’m lying in complete silence. The world feels as though it is standing still, but my head is reeling and my thoughts are screaming echoes, pouring themselves out and filling the desolation. I still don’t know why I choose to suppress things the way I do, as opposed to acknowledging my thoughts and dealing with them then and there. Any hint of danger or uncertainty in my vicinity makes me want to quickly abandon all hope and shut down. This is a terrible coping mechanism in all honesty- but is it even a coping mechanism if it causes you to feel more grief and oppression?

 

You see, what I’ve realised is that I am non binary. 

This realisation makes so much sense and provides so much clarity, but also creates so much inner turmoil. In a world that loves division and categorical check-boxes and pigeonholing, it’s hard to navigate your identity when you know deep down you don’t fit perfectly into one of the two options presented. I had never felt 100% like a girl and even though I looked like one and usually presented as being feminine, there was always an unease that I felt scared to acknowledge.

 

As I've gotten older, I’ve come to realise that society loves black-and-white thinking and honestly nothing is ever that simple, and I'm not just talking about in relation to sexuality or gender. For instance when I was in high school and studied RMPS, and I noticed the copious amounts of grey areas that are being neglected and discounted in decision making and overall human morality, usually because we've been conditioned to believe in one way of thinking which then influences how we view and navigate the world. Remember the scene from Donnie Darko (2001) when Donnie is asked to place an imaginary situation on a binary lifeline of 'love' and 'fear' and he argues "Life isn't that simple...you can't just lump things into two categories"?

 

Despite the common thought that variety in gender is a new modern development, there is evidence throughout history of instances where people did not conform to one specific gender because, after all, it is a social construct. In many cultures and spiritual groups, being out-with the gender binary is viewed as being the norm and is actually held in regard. For instance, Indigenous North Americans believe in a third gender which combines both a masculine and a feminine spirit (aptly named Two-Spirit). Western cultures have just managed to spread the idealism of gender separation through colonisation which has then been passed down through generations by way of fear and shame, often veiled as religion. I mean, have you seen the contrast in the children’s sections of shops and the way toys are being marketed? Everything is pink and sparkly in one area, and blue and dynamic in the other. Not that it stops there, as we get older, we see this in everyday products such as razors, deodorant, and even pens (which blows my mind!). These items serve the exact same purpose, but they're repackaged because apparently, it's important that measures must be taken to ensure we don't stray too far from the rigid paths our genders set for us.

 

My indifference to gender is not something I’ve recently noticed; however, it is something that I only recently confronted and accepted. I have very vivid memories of being in primary school and feeling out of place among the girls in my class. When I joined in group discussions, I internally accused myself of giving “boy answers”, as if the words I spoke had their own personification with an underlying masculine tone, when in reality I was merely offering my thoughts on whatever book we'd read that week, completely unrelated to gender whatsoever. I learned to suppress these uncertain thoughts, and have done ever since, allowing them to grow and take up more headspace than necessary. I assumed I was just being weird and refused to speak about it because of the worry and separation I felt. Eventually, my uncertainty grew slightly more apparent, making its way into my appearance, much to the dismay and confusion of some family members. As an early teen I began experimenting with wearing clothes from the men’s section, trading glitter cardigans for tartan flannel shirts for some time; I also decided to donate my hair and had it cut into a somewhat pixie cut-bob hybrid, which actually gave me a huge sense of self I hadn’t experienced before then; and finally I experimented with socially changing my name to ‘Fran(ces)’ because, even though I presented as being very feminine at that time, the name itself was a little more neutral and I felt immense internal comfort whenever I was referred to by it. I’d always partaken in typically feminine activities such as wearing makeup or donning dresses, not to say that I didn't or don’t enjoy it because I do, but deep down I’ve always had feelings of being an imposter as if something was vaguely ‘off’. 

 

Of course, now I know that anybody of any gender can do anything they wish, whether it be wearing dresses, or taking an interest in seemingly masculine sports. Gender and gender expression is a spectrum, and it is a shame that we’re born into the world and told what our expectations are, based purely on what we look like when we emerge from the womb. Something that is often used as an argument against self-discovery is that it "could just be a phase", which demonises the idea of experimentation and dismisses the importance of our individual journies. Identity is such a complex concept, and if we don't allow ourselves, or others, to try new things or make mistakes, then none of us really get anywhere. So, that being said, if anyone has ever used that phrase against you, please pay no heed and keep being brave in whatever adventure you're currently on. I feel it’s important that we allow ourselves to break boundaries and experiment with those grey areas we notice in our identities, and feel comfortable and safe in doing so. 

Through the unconditional love and support of some close friends and family members, as well as finding inspiration in non-binary/genderqueer figures in the media (specifically Sam Smith, Rivkah Reyes, Jonathan Van Ness, Liv Hewson, and now Ciara Doran!), I feel much more comfortable in being myself. I hope one day that I’m able to be unapologetically me, but until then I hope I’ve given you some reasonable insight and an acceptable explanation into my personal journey and growth.

 

- 

 

(If you made it this far, I want to thank you deeply, and I hope you continue to support me. I appreciate you may have some questions or points from this essay that you wish to discuss, and I’m totally okay with that! 

 

*P.S. I would like to be referred to by they/them pronouns !!

P.P.S Contrary to some beliefs, the singular pronoun 'they' is grammatically correct, just in case you were wondering, 

e.g. "I spoke to a customer today, and THEY said THEIR day had been nice so far" or "I hope my friend likes the present I got THEM"

 

Thank you again, Charis x)

Further reading:

https://www.stonewall.org.uk/about-us/news/10-ways-step-ally-non-binary-people

https://www.healthline.com/health/transgender/nonbinary

https://transequality.org/issues/resources/understanding-non-binary-people-how-to-be-respectful-and-supportive