essay: is this egotistical?

egotistical (adjective): “excessively conceited or absorbed in oneself; self-centred”.

 

I often wonder if it’s possible for one to be considered egotistical despite the fact they carry a tremendous amount of self-hatred. As someone who regularly uses social media to display parts of my life and share thoughts and opinions, could I be considered egotistical? 

 

Recently, I read the J.D. Sallinger short story “Franny” which follows a former actress in the midst of a breakdown and existential crisis, having recently left show business due to finding those around her to be egotistical and fearing she would adopt their toxic traits. Even though ‘Franny’ is approximately only 30 pages long, I felt such a strong connection to the titular character that I honestly hadn’t experienced before. I myself am currently working towards a degree in Musical Theatre and, even though I love performing and feeling the exhilaration of being in a show, I find myself constantly worrying that my existence in the profession is one of sheer narcissism and vanity. Where does my natural passion for theatre end and where does my subconscious (and perverse) interest in being adored begin? Is there even a borderline? 

 

Not that I think much of the performances I give, and I don’t mean in a fake-modest-fishing-for-compliments kinda way, I genuinely feel indifferent. If I do well, that’s great, but let’s move on. On the other hand, if I slip up, even in a miniscule way, I will spend the next however long dwelling on and obsessing over it. I’m aware how uncomfortable this can make people feel, especially if I refuse a compliment or gloss over their kind words. I don’t do it maliciously, or at least I don’t mean to appear that way, I just have such a strong inability to embrace praise. This brings me back to the question: can you be egotistical while battling self-hatred? Even though I’m not being particularly conceited, there is an air of being absorbed in myself and, therefore, I am self-centred.

 

For the longest time, I wanted to create a blog and have a place to display my writing, especially my poems, but when it came to actually setting up a page, I would back out and abandon the idea. I was too afraid that those who knew me would think I perceived myself as some great writer who deserved to have her nonsensical ramblings and rhyming couplets archived in their own pocket of the internet, that I was the next Plath or modern-age Sappho. I’m honestly still not convinced this is such a great idea but tired from making rant vlogs on my private Snapchat stories, I decided if people want to be subjected to my brain’s scrambled contents, they can do so at their leisure. Again, perhaps this is an egotistical thought in of itself because I assume people want to know what I think.

 

Social media has provided everybody with their own little soap box and it’s wonderful to be able to meet and relate to people you would never meet in real life (shoutout to all the amazing people I’ve been lucky enough to befriend <3) but there are downsides and twists. Suddenly everyone can document and present their lives to their own audience of anyone willing to watch, creating a fast-track to stardom where, yes even you, could become a sensation. I mean, Instagram is flooded with images we really wouldn’t pay heed to otherwise. A sandwich someone had for lunch. An overpriced coffee. A beach. The sun. In a way, we’re surely just as egotistical as each other, dishing out our humble brags and unsolicited opinions, not that it’s completely bad allof the time, but there is a blurred borderline where it proves positively narcissistic. 

Maybe I’m overthinking everything in my usual pessimistic and cynical mindset, and I actually don’t give the impression of being self-absorbed because, in all honesty, everyone is to some degree, especially with the uninhibited nature of social media where we’re encouraged to divulge every iota of information. Then again, who was it that typed out an entire essay on how others should perceive them?

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